“Help the children, save the children, protect the children.” You know what I say? Fuck the children!

By George Carlin.

Something else I'm getting tired of in this country is all this stupid talk
I have to listen to about children. That's all you hear about anymore,
children: "Help the children, save the children, protect the children." You
know what I say? Fuck the children!

They're getting entirely too much attention. And I know what some of you are
thinking: " Jesus, he's not going to attack children, is he?" Yes he is!
He's going to attack children. And remember, this is Mr. Conductor talking;
I know what I'm talking about.

And I also know that all you boring single dads and working moms, who think
you're such fucking heros, aren't gonna like this, but somebody's gotta tell
you for your own good: your children are overrated and overvalued, and
you've turned them into little cult objects. You have a child fetish, and
it's not healthy. And don't give me all that weak shit, "Well, I love my
children." Fuck you! Everybody loves their children; it doesn't make you
special. : : : John Wayne Gacy loved his children. Yes, he did. That's not
what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is this constant, mindless
yammering in the media, this neurotic fixation that suggests that somehow
everything--everything--has to revolve around the lives of children. It's
completely out of balance.

Listen, there are a couple of things about kids you have to remember. First
of all, they're not all cute. In fact, if you look at 'em real close, most
of them are rather unpleasant looking. And a lot of them don't smell too
good either. The little ones in particular seem to have a kind of urine and
sour-milk combination that I don't care for at all. Stay with me on this
folks, the sooner you face it the better off your going to be.

Second, premise: not all chidren are smart and clever. Got that? Kids are
like any other group of people: a few winners, a whole lot of losers! This
country is filled with loser kids who simply...aren't...going anywhere! And
there's nothing you can do about it, folks. Nothing! You can't save them
all. You can't do it. You gotta let 'em go; you gotta cut 'em loose; you
gotta stop over-protecting them, because your making 'em too soft.

Today's kids are way too soft. : : : For one thing, there's too much
emphasis on safety and safety equipment: childproof medicine bottles,
fireproof pajamas, child restraints, car seats. And helmets! Bicycle,
baseball, skateboard, scooter helmets. Kids have to wear helmets now for
everything but jerking off. Grown-ups have taken all the fun out of being a
kid. : : : What's happened is, these baby boomers, these soft, fruity baby
boomers, have raised an entire generation of soft, fruity kids who aren't
even allowed hazardous toys, for Chrissakes! What ever happened to natural
selection? Survival of the fittest? The kid who swallows too many marbles
doesn't grow up to have kids of his own. Simple stuff. Nature knows best!

Another bunch of ignorant bullshit about your children: school uniforms. Bad
theory! The idea that if kids wear uniforms to school, it helps keep order.
Hey! Don't these schools do enough damage makin' all these children think
alike? Now they're gonna get 'em to look alike, too? : : : And it's not even
a new idea; I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard
to understand, because the narration was in German! But the uniforms looked
beautiful. And the children did everything they were told and never
questioned authority. Gee, I wonder why someone would want to put our
children in uniforms. Can't imagine.

And one more item about children: this superstitous nonsense of blaming
tobacco companies for kids who smoke. Listem! Kids don't smoke because a
camel in sunglasses tells them to. They smoke for the same reasons adults
do, because it's an enjoyable activity that relieves anxiety and depression.

And you'd be anxious and depressed too if you had to put up with these
pathetic, insecure, yuppie parents who enroll you in college before you've
figured out which side of the playpen smells the worst and then fill you
with Ritalin to get you in a mood they approve of, and drag you all over
town in search of empty, meaningless structure: Little League, Cub Scouts,
swimming, soccer, karate, piano, bagpipes, watercolors, witchcraft, glass
blowing, and dildo practice. It's absurd. : : : They even have "play dates",
for Christ sake! Playing is now done by appointment! But it's true. A lot of
these striving, and parents are burning their kids out on structure. I think
what every child needs and ought to have every day is two hours of
daydreaming. Plain old daydreaming.

Turn off the internet, the CD-ROMS, and the computer games and let them
stare at a tree for a couple of hours. Every now and then they actually come
up with one of their own ideas. You want to know how to help your kids?
Leave them the fuck alone.